For over twenty years my best kept secret has been my eating disorder. The first time I binged and purged, I was eleven years old. In the beginning I felt exceptionally powerful to be able to control not just how I looked, but how I was loved too. Having discovered the secret to (what I believed at the time) eating anything without the consequence of gain, I thought I had found the recipe for beauty, desirability, love and acceptance. I had earned approval for constricting my body to behave in a very exact manner, but I was disappearing and it seemed that the only way I could be beautiful was in my disappearance.
Thank you for sharing. You write beautifully about such a personal and challenging topic